Serial Drama

Lamest Murder Ever

It's not that I won't forgive holes in soap stories; I will. I do routinely, in fact. Not being able to forgive holes in stories and demanding real-world logic of soaps at all times would make for a very frustrated (and undoubtedly brief) viewer indeed. But gaping holes are excusable if they exist to serve a great story. And in the case of the Murder of Lisa Niles? Oh, we have a big problem because this story is so far from great that not even the great Jason Morgan and John McBain's omnipotent spidey senses combined would be able to find their way without a detailed map.

Just to scratch the surface of the many issues I'm finding insurmountable:

• Let's start with a small one. According to Spinelli's insistence that Maxie is a peace-loving, do-no-harm type of gal, she won't even use makeup tested on animals? That must be difficult in her industry! Especially interesting since she wears animals routinely and apparently, according to her comment to Matt in yesterday's episode, eats foie gras. You know, like all animal rights activists do. I hear it's the nightly dish at the PETA convention buffets.

• Spinelli has now filled the court in on the fact that Matt killed Lisa and Maxie witnessed it, and the judge is utterly unconcerned that, if this is true, it means that Maxie provided a false confession and lied under oath and offered up falsified evidence.

• Somehow Maxie is now a martyr and did "all of this" to protect Matt, which is hilarious considering the EFFING CASE WAS MOTHEREFFING CLOSED. If Matt goes to prison for this, it's actually Maxie's fault. Maxie is a crap-ass martyr, to say the very least. And by the way, we all saw Matt and Maxie's relationship before and after Lisa's death. We were not born yesterday, and that was not a loving girlfriend trying to save her loving boyfriend's life.

The Okay & the Different

Y'all. Yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful wasn't about Steffy and Liam and Hope! I mean okay, Hope was on the episode, but not talking about Liam or Steffy and therefore far less irritating! It was incredibly exciting.

That said, the titular "Okay" is in reference to what we got in the Neverending Triangle's place being... okay. I mean if this is the next couple we're getting?

Okay. They're not awful, they're not great. In fact, they're incredibly bland. It speaks volumes about how sick I am of the usual storyline that I found the featuring of such a milquetoast pair to be a huge relief. Thomas can go listing all the wonderful things about Caroline he wants to, but it doesn't make them true. According to him, she is allegedly "smart, beautiful, funny, and sophisticated yet down to earth." Okay, Thomas. To me so far she's pretty (albeit way too skinny, and can she please get out of that awful yellow dress with the weird blue skeleton-enhancing waistband and matching wristband?) and stands up straight and speaks English. I look forward to this "funny," I do!

One thing we have learned about Caroline is that she's into terrible vampire movies. So I take that back, she is kind of funny. We learned this tidbit from her mother Karen:

And I'm excited to see Karen because admittedly I am looking forward to her upcoming storyline and to Crystal Chappell's arrival. Let's hope (a) Joanna Johnson's appearance as Karen yesterday means this is happening soon and (b) it doesn't just end up a story all about Caroline's issues. More grownups, please! (Yeah, I know. Wishful thinking.)

Psst. Starr. SHHH.

Starr, come here. No, closer. A little closer. I have something important to tell you. No, just a little bit --

 

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. SHHHHHHHH. Be quiet.

My lord this girl. I get that she's dealing with unspeakable tragedy and all that, but give us a break, please! People know that death means you'll never see someone again, Starr! Oh and also, Starr, you are not the first person you know to experience something incredibly tragic! In fact, most people you know have experienced something incredibly tragic! Recently, even! It's May now. If memory serves, the accident was in February. Can we ease up on the grief rage? I'm not saying it's unrealistic, I'm just saying it's tedious as hell to watch and try as I might, I've been having a tough time sympathizing with her. And that she's mad at her family now (all except the one family member who encourages her to hold on to her rage and get revenge) because they're trying to get her to continue living and trying to provide comfort to her is... it's not helping. Nothing's helping right now. Silence would help. You know how Patrick's grieving by hotly self-destructing quietly in his home? Try it!

But speaking of the one family member who is encouraging Starr to hold onto her anger and hatred and to go off half-cocked on revenge plans willy-nilly (that's right, I said WILLY NILLY, it's important to be a bad-ass when one is overreacting to a soap opera!), her father was a delight yesterday.

Carly: If you believe the whole split personality, D.I.D. thing --

Todd: Yeah, I do. I know a lot about D.I.D. It runs in my family. [An unfortunate non-hereditary ailment his niece inherited from his sister!  --Ed.] 

Carly: Really.

Todd: Really.

The Dreary & the Annoying

Be careful what you wish for.

There cannot be a single viewer of The Bold & the Beautiful who hasn't wished super-hard for a storyline other than this program-devouring Hope/Liam/Steffy horror show. There really cannot. Tastes vary, so I'm sure someone out there likes the storyline, but those viewers can't possibly think a one-plot daily soap opera is the strongest choice.

However, a subplot in which Caroline is totally freaked out beyond all reason that Rick wears dresses and makeup (which he doesn't, but Amber's set it up to look that way -- marking possibly the first time ever that Amber's instincts about how someone would react to something were bizarrely dead on) is not my idea of the proper fix.

And sure, sure, now they're trying to backtrack a little and say that Caroline isn't so shocked and startled that he likes to dress like a lady (Caroline, a young woman who supposedly grew up in New York freakin' City and has claimed to have literally never seen a man in heels) (as a New York City resident, allow me to assure the writers [some of whom have probably lived here] that, sorry Caroline, it's rare not to see men in heels daily here), but it's more that he kept it from her. But come on. And I'm not suggesting that she should shrug it off and be all, "Marry me tonight, man-in-dress!" (though this is B&B and it's totally within its paradigm for someone super-young to be super-eager to get married as soon as humanly possible for no discernible reason). I'm just suggesting that a man with a little makeup on should really not cause an adult professional woman to be so thrown off that she actually shakes and cries a little and drops an armful of stuff. 

Fortunately, we look to be getting a little movement in this story in that Hope has finally found out what Caroline is so freaked out by, and Rick is hooking up with Amber anyway.

The men on this show are ridiculously easy to seduce.

Mother Knows Best. Or Worst. Or Something.

One of the many things I love about soap operas is the comically low standards the characters and writers have for good parenting. Sonny Corinthos, for example, occasionally says positive things about his children and has only shot one of them, so he's constantly lauded as the greatest parent in all of Port Charles; his ex-wife is probably the runner up, referred to constantly as a great mother because...she seems to like Joss? Which, you know, who wouldn't?! The late and spectacularly unlamented Babe Carey and her equally repellent mother Krystal stole and SOLD children on All My Children and all people could talk about was how these two were the pinnacle of motherhood (the months since AMC's cancellation has not at all lessened my hatred for these two fictional creatures).

But there ARE some good mothers out in soapdom, and in honor of Mother's Day, I'd love to know: who is your FAVORITE soap mom? Biological mothers, adoptive mothers, mother figures, mothers who live entirely offscreen, mothers who are actually terrible but get treated like icons. Let's list away!

The Same and the Samer

Well, I hate to go with just a snarky straight recap again, but until this show moves out of this one never-ending storyline, there's really not much else to say or do. So here we go!

Casa Bridge. Hope wants Steffy to explain why she's awfully smug about Liam. Steffy flashes back to the not-at-all-overdramatic tearing up of the annulment papers. 

Bill is still trying to convince Liam to break up with Hope. Caroline and Katie come in and immediately take off, knowing the menfolk need to have an important discussion. This is no place for ladies!

Credits.

Katie is listening in as Bill continues to pressure Liam to break off the engagement. Bill thinks that Liam kissing Steffy means he doesn't really want Hope. (But does Liam kissing Hope means he doesn't really want Steffy? No, because this is Bill we're talking about.)

Brooke and Ridge wonder what Hope and Steffy are discussing, and Brooke picks on him for being unwilling to design Hope's wedding dress. Brooke doesn't seem to understand why Ridge would be reluctant to do this, despite his daughter being in love with the groom.

Steffy tells Hope that Liam did something in Aspen that made her sure he still loves her (Steffy, that is. I know. It's confusing.).

Commercials. I am endlessly baffled at ad demographics. Why do we get so many ads in New York City for yard items, car-related products, outdoor barbecue fixings and the like? I guess for all the rich New Yorkers with country homes?

Back at Liam's house, Bill is still laying it on thick and Liam (as per usual) does nothing to shut him up. I am reminded of the time Bill was being obnoxious about something and Liam said, "See? This is why I never tell you anything!" and I wondered what planet he was living because on Planet Earth, you see, what Liam does would be considered telling Bill absolutely everything, all the time, always. 

Katie comes out to announce that dinner is ready. I am so ashamed at my lack of appropriately fitting into proper gender roles when I think about how, at my house, this would all be reversed. The ladies would be chatting while the dudes were cooking and then I'd happily take care of dishes and trash afterwards. (Kick me out of the gender, I dare you!)

All these dinners and wine make me hungry. And thirsty.

Hilariously, Caroline and Katie have whipped up this tremendous feast based on what was in Liam's cupboards, which he claimed were virtually empty. So empty that there was fresh French bread, and plenty of fresh veggies for a huge salad. 

Katie toasts to getting to know Caroline and to the upcoming wedding.

A Happy Return and a Good Laugh

I admit I have extremely mixed feelings about Todd Manning on General Hospital. Sure, part of it is that it's bittersweet to see any Llanview residents in Port Charles because it serves as a reminder that One Life to Live is no more. And in many ways it would be easier on my heart just to imagine the characters living on happily with their families. And while I really love Todd Manning as a character (I phrase it that way to emphasize that I find him compelling, not that I think he's a super-swell guy who I'd really root for in real life), my very favorite thing about Todd Manning just happens to be Blair. So it's hard to see him without her -- even broken up they're better in each other's orbits than outside of them. Not to mention one of the coolest things about how they've developed his character over the years is that they resisted the urge to turn a gray-hat former gang rapist into some heartthrob who went from hot relationship to hot relationship. We've only ever seen him with Blair and with Téa (and in both cases, these were not typical romances by any means), and sexual intimacy has always been a careful issue for him. And that is so important to me. If you're going to pull that standard soap trick of turning a rapist into a viable leading man, it's the only way I can stomach it. I absolutely in no way, shape, or form, ever ever want to see Todd bounced from leading lady to leading lady and put through the usual battalion of chem-tests. I will lose my lunch. 

And, since I've launched into this dissertation, another thing that worried me was that we already have Sonny, a bad boy who gets away with tons of stuff but who genuinely loves his family and sometimes his woman and always has a gaggle of people making excuses for him, and do we really need another? And yes, I find Todd a million times more compelling because of his self-loathing and his constant battles with himself, but still. Might it be too much? 

So I was nervous. Very nervous. And today I was reminded why there's so much more that differentiates him from Sonny and the number one characteristic? Humor. Sonny is rarely written to have much of a sense of humor and, in fact, is quite frequently such a depressing wet blanket. The trademark Todd Manning humor was a breath of fresh air for me today.

So for now, I am cautiously optimistic and very glad to see him. For now. And he apparently is free of all charges due to PTSD which, ha, but it would be a pretty easy case to argue considering what he'd been put through for eight years (although I loved that his original version was that they acquitted him because his mother didn't love him!).

Also, I love how people (especially Sonny) on this show routinely point guns at people and threaten to kill them and then either change their minds or are somehow thwarted and it's either witnessed by or admitted to the police and nobody ever gets arrested for attempted murder, ever. Because attempted murder is not really a crime in Port Charles. And now Starr's locked up for it. I can't say I hate Michael for it, though, because it stops the cycle. I know he did it for childish reasons, but honestly if he'd ever been held accountable for flirting with crime early on, he might not have gone in the direction he did. (Of course here I am applying psychological growth principles to GH, when we know full well Starr won't "learn" from this because... well, soaps!)

The Heart of The Matter

Even though I like to consider myself an understanding person, which is a self-assessment that just caused everyone who knows even the slightest bit about me to burst into peals of scornful laughter, I see where Sonny is coming from here. I know, I can't believe that I typed that either, but really: if my significant other did something outrageously hurtful (like cheat on me) or unspeakably offensive (like occasionally adopting a Rosie Perez accent and spackling cosmetics on by the truckload) and then explained it away as being the actions of a split personality, I wouldn't know what to make of it. I like to think that unwavering support would be one of my reactions somewhere along the line, but it would probably follow reactions like Shouting "What does this look like, a freaking soap opera?!" and staring, wordlessly, in confusion and texting my friends "Can you believe this lame-ass excuse?!"

So I'm not quibbling with Sonny's reluctance to believe that there is a Connie, or even some of his anger.

What I am quibbling with is what a freaking child he is, always and forever.

Sonny: You went and banged my enemy! On my birthday, no less.

He doesn't have many linguistic skills, but his knack for filling a single sentence with that much self-absorption and grossness is pretty impressive.

Let's Join Our Hands and Say "This AGAIN?!" In Unison

I don't even want to think about how many minutes--nay, hours I've spent trying to put a fresh new spin on the same sentences. Writing something clever about Kelly Monaco spending the end of, literally, every General Hospital storyline ever tied up and looking miserable was easy back in 2006, when it only had a slight "Been there, done that" vibe and Sonny being held at gunpoint got stale a good few years before that. So when this week's run ended with both of those situations happening AGAIN, I rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and started writing down nonsense sentences like "repeated repeatedly, in a repetitious manner" and planned a few references to Groundhog Day because, yeah: Sam was tied up. And Sonny was held at gunpoint.

BUT! To be fair to the writers, while there is a minor sense of deja vu happening here, these stories aren't total retreads. I mean, yes, Sonny being on the wrong end of a gun is a total rerun of years past, but when you consider that he's so firmly entrenched in a life of crime and is a horrible human being to boot, his being held at gunpoint doesn't happen nearly as often as it could (I would actually be down for a Very Special Episode in which all sorts of Port Charles randoms hold a gun on him and rail at him for being horrible. "All I wanted was a coffee before I went to work and I get stuck behind you for two hours while you try to order a latte. You made me late, you bastard!"). And the circumstances leading to Sam's capture were...well, familiar, sure. A law enforcement agent in this town does something terrible? Imagine that, says nobody, because we don't need to imagine that; we've seen it happen, always. So while the reveal that Ronnie is violent and cah-razy (I say that if he makes it out of this story alive--I know, I know, as if--his attorney could try a defense tactic in which the chemicals in his hair dye are blamed for his descent into mental anguish) was expected, look at the other newfangled things that happened!

The Old and the Dutiful

Well, Steffy has finally signed the annulment papers. Hallelujah, this storyline is finally over! 

Just kidding. We should be so lucky. 

Considering this...

...was Liam's response to the news, I imagine this is far from over. Years from over, as if we've all committed some terrible, terrible crime against humanity and this is our punishment.

I'm going to have quite the headache if Liam fights Steffy on this. He's constantly impressed by her big turned-into-a-magnanimous-low-maintenance-saint-overnight turnaround lately, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he just loves having both of these women on the hook. (Not that I don't welcome this change in Steffy. While I don't think Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is exactly the next Meryl Streep by any means, she's got presence and charisma and is a hell of a sport with some of the embarrassing material they give her ["Cha cha cha!"], so seeing Steffy evolve into a spitfire with ethics who doesn't get all scheme-y and pathetic over a loser like Liam would be a welcome change. I am not, however, holding my breath.)

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?

I'm practicing my "doctor breaking the news" speech because there's a new opening at General Hospital in Port Charles, New York. I hear it's a tough town and tends to be overrun by the mob, but I actually hear the particular mob that's generally winning the various mob wars is made up of saintly hitmen and mob bosses who really, really love their children. So it can't be all bad, right? 

Wrong.

So let's start with the bad news, shall we?

• Starr is back. She is looking for Sonny, the man who killed her family, "unless he dint." As she put it. Is that mean? I'm feeling mean. Anyway, she took Johnny's gun, so is of course off to do something really smart and fun.

• Jason is still an ass. Getting excellent advice from both Elizabeth and Sonny to actually try to be patient and listen to Sam and show her some compassion in the wake of her trauma, well... it didn't stick. He walked into his house and started yelling at his wife within seconds. And it's still about her talking to John McBain, just after he has reported Sam's personal business to two other people. After telling Sam that talking won't help anything. When she pointed out this double standard to him (after learning that he told Liz everything), he was unmoved. And then when she broke my heart, telling him it seems as though he can't even look at her...

"It's like I'm tainted!"

Hint to Jason: when your recently-raped wife tells you that you can't look at her and it makes her feel tainted, look at her. Immediately. (Spoiler: Jason did not take the hint.) Anyway, she's going to move out to give him some time to decide whether he's going to leave his wife over this. I hope he chokes on that time. She says she's trying to do what's best for her child and, hint to Sam: not raising your child with a hitman is a good start.

• In general, the usual dull things are happening, like cops trying to bust Sonny (Gasp! Will John McBain imprison Sonny for real? It's so hard to tell!) and Starr's after Sonny for revenge (Gasp! Will Starr kill Sonny? It's so hard to tell!). I have this little fantasy: since we know Sonny won't get killed or imprisoned, can someone opposing Sonny come up with a different plan? I'd love to see someone work to take away his power -- not a stronger mobster, but somebody smarter and with a moral or two. That way there could be some curiosity about the outcome. A powerless and penniless Sonny could actually be an interesting story. But this stuff? Old hat, we don't need it. But we're sure getting it.

The good news?

• We got a flashback to Sonny's shiny suit.

I'm already sick to death of the constant flashbacks to things that just happened (a Valentini/Carlivati habit I never did appreciate), but when they are to super-awesome things like destroyed cakes or funny shiny suits on angry men, I can live with it.

Since When Is This Show Un-Fast-Forwardable?!

That's not to say that the show is without its flaws (see below for a list, and by no means an exhaustive one, of flaws with this episode, an episode I happened to enjoy quite a lot. I...am a mean-spirited complainer of a person, I realize), but I do have to take a second to marvel at how easy it is to sit through an episode of General Hospital in which Sonny and Jason don't make appearances. Right? Normally by the time the credits roll, I've already began to wish away the next 58 minutes of my life, but on days like this, the only time I fast-forward is to get through the commercials and back to the show as quickly as possible. It's a world gone mad!

Well...not totally mad. It's a world gone very slightly crooked. Because as much as I liked today's show (the things I type that I never imagined typing!), I still have quibbles.

Just Joy.

That's all.

That's how to end a Friday.

The X and the Y

I gave GH the regular recap-as-it-goes treatment yesterday, so I felt it was only fair to subject treat B&B to the same delight.

Standard opening shots of the city. Steffy is packing stuff and her hair is still too light. Brooke walks into Steffy's office and glares at her. This doesn't faze Steffy and, although I loathe Steffy's embarrassing preoccupation with Liam, she's pretty hilarious responding to Brooke with such amusement.

Hope and Liam are making out on the private jet and the male-model/pilot --

-- says they'll be ready to take off as soon as Steffy, their other passenger, arrives. Hope seems trashed, though she's not.

The team in Aspen is setting up for Aspen Fashion Week (is that a real thing ever?). None of these people are played by actual actors (I have to assume) so it's pretty torturous to watch. AspenOliver gets a call from Bill about "getting the job done." 

Credits. Short version.

So apparently Bill's genius plan is to have the press attack Hope like never before. Bill complains to Justin, smugly (as if he could do it any other way).

Hope and Liam get all saccharine with each other some more on the jet. Hope is sure that it's going to be a great trip, and Liam promises that Steffy won't be a problem for them. (Note to Liam: don't actually kiss her if you don't want her to be a problem.)

Discomfort, Squared

Well y'all, I've made it up to the opening credits of today's General Hospital and it's clear to me that the only way to keep my sanity and sort through my feelings on it is going to be to just recap it as we go. To catch us up: Ewen's trying to figure out why Kate didn't show up to commit herself, Sonny's barging in on Johnny and Konnie in bed together (after a hilarious moan from Konnie that Sonny heard from downstairs, a moan so silly that I'm continuing to cross my fingers that this whole thing was staged and Johnny is not really that gross now -- I mean I know he's a mobster, but does he have to be a super-gross mobster in such an appealing package?), Michael is referring to Franco's rape of Sam as "all that craziness with Franco" because that is a respectful way to speak to a rape victim about what happened to her, Alexis is trying to chat with Jason (good luck), and Liz is lurking.

Credits. Commercials.

So... where was I? I kind of got distracted by "Johnny" and "appealing package" in the same sentence. 

Oh, Konnie looks kind of freaked out while Johnny smugs it up to Sonny who is... kind of under-reacting?

Michael and Carly cute it up at each other or something, and then Carly goes over to smite Sam for having kept the Robin secret from Jason for like a day and a half. Sam gets hilarious.

Sam: Okay, fine, I lied to Jason, you told him the truth, you're the best friend ever.

Ha! Love it. Carly feigns indignation that she was just making conversation and doesn't understand why she got so defensive.

Alexis and Jason talk about Sam having chatted with John McBain. SCANDAL!

John McBain is smirking it up with Max over at Casa Sonny, and Michael speaks for all of us when he finds the awesomely destroyed birthday cake. "Holy crap."

Death By Chocolate?

There are some days that I find myself so uninspired by the events on General Hospital that I have literally--literally!--nothing to say. Nothing. No things. I try! I do. I sit and look at a blank TypePad screen and I attempt to write, like, "And then Spinelli..." but I am so profoundly uninterested by whatever it is Spinell is doing or has done that I can't even muster up the energy to straight up recap it.

(There are also some days and some storylines in particular (like, say, F****o being Jason's t**n--I can't actually type those words out. My fingers won't let that sentence be a real thing) that I can say plenty of things about but those things are semi-intelligible and outraged, not pithy and hilarious, but posting it would be proof that my detractors are right and I DO need to take a walk, get some therapy, etc.)

And then there are times that I watch twenty seconds of this show and am overwhelmed with things that I want to say in ALL CAPS and italics and with lots of interrobangs.

Theme for the Day

I guess I really cannot resist just posting lone screencaps that speak volumes and volumes today. Because:

Trapped MirrorKate! That was some of the funniest shit I have ever seen. I am just so happy right now.

Because I Couldn't NOT...

It's not as if they could repeatedly show this image on yesterday's episode and I could, as a living human with a sense of wonder and awe, actually resist posting a screencap. And so without commetary:

Enjoy.

The Forced and the Tiresome

When I'm watching B&B, I frequently have to remind myself that these Spencer men are supposed to be great heartthrobby catches. And when I remember that, I realize that I'm just not living in the same paradigm B&B is asking me to and so it is inevitable that I'm going to spend many of my viewing hours frustrated, lost, disoriented, and baffled. Or, you know, with bile rising in my throat every time a Spencer dude appears on screen. Which means a lot of bile for ole Weezie here because they are daily fixtures, especially Liam. Liam is currently in a committed relationship with one woman and spending much of his free time talking about the problems he's having in said committed relationship with another woman who refuses to let go of him (and at this point, who can blame her? He's given her zero indication that he's done with her). Oh and yesterday we got the, "Oh in the good old days when Liam and Steffy were together they had such great times! He never laughs with Hope!" treatment, equipped with goofy facial expressions just in case we hadn't gotten the anvilicious point yet that Steffy is now the one Liam is thinking of as low-maintenance (ha!).

 

Oh that Steffy, she's so laid-back and fun and never has any issues! He should really go back to the way it was before, when he was "happily" married to Steffy and constantly sitting around playing sappy montages of Hope in his mind. Or, you know, in his margarita. Cha cha cha, y'all!

I have a sinking feeling we're in for years (and possibly decades) of this idiot bouncing back and forth between these two supremely irritating young women. If only he were somehow written as someone worth fighting for.

This Scenery Is Delicious

It's true that most of what unfolded, story-wise, on General Hospital today was the opposite of compelling. "Oh, yes! It's the one where we find out if Sonny, the central character on this show whose various misdeeds are swept under rugs and hidden with posters saying 'Yeah, but he LOVES his kids! Especially Michael and Dante, but also the other one! Two! I mean two!', is going to go to prison for a crime he did not commit. Wait, it's also the one where Sam and John McBain have a variation of the same conversation they've been having for two weeks? All of this AND more about the exotic dancer attacks that not even the actors involved can feign interest in*?! This is way too much entertainment for one hour!'**

But it's equally true, if not more true, that I had absolutely no problems rewatching this episode today solely for the CAH-RAZY facial expressions that marched in the epic parade of overacting.

Well, contorted eyebrows and fearsome snarls are one way to inject entertainment into a storyline whose conclusion we all saw coming the day it began...

The other way to entertain? Turn Sonny's emotional stuntedness and ridiculous immaturity from subtext to text.

Sonny: When are you going to realize you're dating a moron?

Sonny: He set me up like he always does and he failed like he always does, because. He. Is. A. Loser.

If he had said the above with an L-for-loser hand gesture, I would have declared this blog a Sonny Appreciation Society for six whole hours.

*Really, though, it's Ronnie, right? And Lulu is going to be the one to piece it together (possibly while undercover as something totally salacious like a stripper or a fetish model or something because he might be gone, but the Guza looms large in this town) and Ronnie will get one long, Bond-villain like monologue where the Brooklyn accent is multiplied tenfold and his fake black hair gleams in the light? Because really, the not at all suspicious face he made when Lulu mused that Padilla's husband is innocent was just so...it was so.

"Nothing to see here, Lulu, how about them Yankees, you can't prosecute me, I'm above the law, what, nothing, am I yelling? It's really hot in here. BROOKLYN!"

**Normally I would consider Heather Webber too be too much entertainment for even ten hours, because she is an unhinged treasure, but the presence of Steven dragged the fun way, way down.

Trial of the Century! Or, You Know, the Day.

Whichever comes first.

So first we got Jesse Vasquez, D.A., otherwise known as the man who totally ruined Andrea Zuckerman as a character on Beverly Hills, 90210. Well, okay, to be fair it might have been more that they wrote a "challenges of raising a baby when you're still just kids yourselves!" storyline for actors who looked to be in their forties at the time, but whatever. Jesse sucked and he was rude to Dylan McKay, love of my life.

There won't be forgiveness anytime soon, Vasquez! Think again!

But I digress. (Which is totally unlike me!)

Speaking of Sonny's super-exciting trial in which they'll probably totally prove that Sonny's guilty and send him to prison for the rest of his life (Right? We're all dying to see if that happens, right? Oh, the suspense!), just a quick note to the GH directing team: there are a number of GH-only viewers bristling at the introduction of the OLTL crossover characters. Eventually they'll be integrated into the show enough that they'll be taken as any other new character -- on their own merits, some will hate them and some will love them. But a hint? If you want the character of Starr Manning to win any viewers over, stop letting her make this face.

It's odd that a simple facial expression can make a character wholly unsympathetic but I assure you, it can! The perma-snarl is not doing the eldest Manning child any favors.

Fortunately they really sped through the trial since it's not really the point, as we all know Sonny didn't do it (our first clue being the fact that he was accused of it), and they did so to get to what is clearly the main event:

The Long and the Repetitive

It's remarkable that a show with only eighteen minutes of content each day can feel so endless. I generally watch on the CBS website so I can see the little progress bar at the bottom of the picture and on the days that are exclusively Hope/Liam/Steffy-oriented, that thing practically slows to a dead halt. A commercial will come on and I will celebrate the end, only to notice there are still two segments to go. Yesterday was one of those days. Yet another episode about how Steffy, Liam, and Hope are all tedious and annoying people, but for some reason I doubt that was the intention on any front. I'm pretty sure we're supposed to see this as a super-exciting triangle about which there will be internet fan wars for decades to come. Count me out, please!

First, we had Liam doing his usual thing, which was touching and hugging and giving flirtatious and warm glances to the woman he is allegedly not with right now, and confiding in her about incredibly inappropriate information about someone he knows to be her romantic rival. (That's sort of all we need to know to understand that [a] he does not really love or respect either woman and [b]he is a total douchebag and in no way worth a triangle. Right? RIGHT?)

And Steffy launched into some of her trademark manipulation and Liam once again fell for all of it hook, line, and sinker. (Y'all, one day I dream that a man will be so in love with me that all he'll ever need to be totally convinced he's wrong about me is one conversation with someone with a known agenda! Men whose minds can be changed about major life issues in one conversation every single day of the week are super-dreamy, right?)

Steffy: Liam, I've said this a billion times. You know, she's a Logan, and they all have issues. She complicated your life before, and she's doing it again. I hate seeing this happen to you. I really do. [Because as we'll all recall, Liam's life with Steffy was super low-maintenance and complication-free! --Ed.]

"Golly gee, she has a point! I did have an argument with my girlfriend, I guess her whole family must be insane!"

Generally Happy

When I see General Hospital, or any soap opera, for that matter, being discussed in the mainstream press, it makes me anxious. And when I see General Hospital in a headline alongside the world "cancelled" when I am quickly skimming the news, it makes me gasp a most melodramatic gasp, complete with widened eyes and a hand over heard maneuver that would do the terrifying Kate Howard/Connie Falconeri proud.

But then I remembered that reading comprehension is a thing, and paid attention to what I was looking at, which was a headline touting the news that The Revolution was cancelled and General Hospital was not. And I sighed a sigh of relief (...while rolling my eyes again, some more, at Brian Frons and his decision to cancel two legendary daytime dramas to make room for a bargain basement version of a TLC reality show that barely made it past the eight week mark. A dramatic middle finger may have been involved) because I simply cannot imagine my life without this show. You know, without this show's storylines, and without this show's beloved characters, and without this show's immense helpfulness in expanding my vocabulary of words and phrases that include expletives. I would be...empty.

Am I jumping the gun in celebrating, because the show still doesn't have a time slot this fall? YES. Considering ABC Daytime's history of stupidity, is there a chance that things will go haywire? YES. Do I care? NO. And is that the same response I had to Maggie's statement today?

Maggie: I haven't seen you in weeks!

YES, it is. "NO!" I said. "Why won't you stay gone?"

Hope Floats

No really, she does!

Oh, the poor dear.

And why is Hope floating?

Well, as Bill felt the need to explain in charade form, she is the "picture" of mental instability. (This from a man who thinks his son should stay married to a woman who, as an adult, had a complete nervous breakdown because her father didn't remarry her mother a week after his divorce from her former stepmother.)

You see, this all started with a pool party. Caroline, who seems to function as a reminder that in New York, we do not have beaches or pools or fun or even daylight. Nobody in New York City would ever take a day off to relax and just have fun (and why would we? There's NOTHING TO DO HERE but work! How could we have fun?! We're always trying to catch a subway! Where would we even go?! The only thing there is to do here is eat pizza!).

But since she's learned that L.A. offers sunlight and happiness, she's sold and she's staying.

With a dog who randomly showed up. Did I miss a beat when I blinked? Is this her dog?

Mm-hm, yeah, she really looks like she's never done this before. How will she ever assimilate to these Californians and their laid-back, fun-having ways?! I worry so much for her cultural adjustment!

Little does she know what danger lurks beneath all this daytime relaxation.

The Chronicles of Ridiculous

On almost every single conceivable level, this Kate/Connie D.I.D. storyline is an embarrassment; like, I'm embarrassed to be watching it. A compelling D.I.D. story can be told and HAS been told by these very powers-that-be, but this particular story has been so sloppily cobbled together and seems to be written and directed with the mantra "No ludicrous is too ludicrous!" and all of my memories of Kate Howard as played by Megan Ward, who I loved dearly, are completely tarnished, so most of me wants to groan the groaniest of groans every time Kate/Connie's heavily made up face appears onscreen. But then this happens and then this:

Kate/Connie: Jason Freaking Morgan. Who does he think he is coming in he-ah, asking all those questions. Why don't you sit behind your desk, did you see the gun over there in the corner? PLEASE. I should have just told him. I shoulda just looked into his pretty little eyes and said 'Kate Howard ain't he-ah no more. I'm Connie Falconeri and I don't take crap from nobody!'

and I find myself wishing I could spend an entire hour watching Kelly Sullivan make insane faces and break out one of the craziest Brooklyn accents ever put on film. It is simultaneously the worst thing on television and the best thing on television and the fact that Sonny is so wholly unaware of anything strange going on ("Hey, your voice is different and you literally just jolted! What color tie do you think I should wear tonight?") makes everything both better and worse. I am both entertained and filled with shame. My General Hospital viewing life is one big conundrum.

Keeping with the ridiculous theme, there was some...uh, strangeness with Ewen today and now I'm wondering (actually, I'm not wondering, because that would imply that I am interested on some level and I'm the opposite of that) if he is a Jacks relative. Or someone sinister obsessed with the Jacks family.

Ewen: I've cornered the market on Australians around here.
Elizabeth: Well, unless Jax comes back.
Ewen: Jasper Jacks?
Elizabeth: Yeah! Do you know him?
Ewen: Australia may the be smallest continent, but I haven't met him.
Elizabeth: It sounded like you knew him.

EWEN: Uh, I, uh, I...I've heard the name before, you know, in conversation. Just Australians talking about other Australians, you know? Aussies be gossipy!
ELIZABETH: Oh.
EWEN: I've heard, you know, that he's a financier. A corporate raider, if you will. A corporate raider buys companies, with money--
ELIZABETH: Yeah, I know what a corporate raider is...
EWEN: Well, did you know that Jax has a brother named Jerry, who held people hostage in some, like, totally random hotel a few years ago? I, uh, heard that that happened.
ELIZABETH: Yeah! It was this hotel, and I was here.
EWEN: REALLY? I had no idea that it was this hotel. That was conveniently left out of the story I heard about this whole thing! Aussies be bad reporters!
ELIZABETH: Jax was totally depressed when he found out that his brother was a psycho, and it broke his mother's heart.
EWEN: His mother, known in some circles as Lady Jane?
ELIZABETH: ...
EWEN: Or so I've heard.
ELIZABETH: You know a lot about the Jacks family.
EWEN: Only what I've read during my countless hours spent researching this family in painstaking detail.
ELIZABETH: ...
EWEN: Am I being weird? Let me hastily change the subject! Aussies be bad at diversions!